Transformers: The Movie

Point I Fell Asleep: ACTUALLY STAYED AWAKE
Location: Home
Time I Started Movie: Primetime
IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0092106/

After that abomination of a movie called Transformers 2, I decided to go back to the tried and true cartoon version of "Transformers: The Movie. " First off, let me say that I can only remember about a dozen movies that I have seen more than once. I think I wore out my VHS copy of this movie when I was a kid. I used to collect Transformers (still have some today), I used to collect the comic books, and I used to watch the TV show. The great thing about this movie was that it came out after a season or two of the TV show, and it was mind-blowing. First of all, the TV show never really introduced any new Transformers, and this movie was like the All-Stars of Transformers. It introduced so many new toys that it gave every fanboy a hard-on. Not only that, in the TV show, no Transformer ever died. After this movie, so many Transformers died that they had to dub the next season of the TV show "Generation 2." And I think I even cried when Optimus died. Just nuts. Even today, I enjoyed every minute of this 90 minute movie. Oh, if you enjoyed this movie, you HAVE to watch the 3 part miniseries that came on TV right after this movie. It introduced the Headmasters. Am I getting too excited? I think so.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

Point I Fell Asleep: ACTUALLY STAYED AWAKE
Location: Theater
Time I Started Movie: Afternoon
IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1055369/

So I watched the IMAX movie of this movie, which you would think would be a great idea since you want the great surround sound and the big screen for the CGI. However, it turned out to be a bad idea. I sat in the middle center of the theater, which was probably the optimal location, but the screen was so big that I could only focus on what was happening in the middle of the screen. This was great for the gratuitous shots of Megan Fox, but when you have chunks of metal colliding with each other, I couldn't make sense of who was fighting, what was going, etc. I did doze off for a couple of seconds in the middle of the show, and if I had watched this in primetime, I most likely would have fallen asleep, which would have been a good thing because this movie was terrible. You know a movie is bad when you look at your watch an hour into the movie and go, "Crap, I have another hour and a half to go." Here are some random things that went through my head when I was watching the movie:

• Wow, Megan Fox is hot.
• I'd much rather have watched the cartoon version of this movie.
• Which Transformer is that?
• I wish I was watching Armageddon; at least that movie got me more fired up at the end.
• Oh jeez, Tyrese IS THE WORST ACTOR OF OUR TIME.
• What is with all these one-liners?
• I wish I was at home continuing the 7th season of "24."
• Why does it smell so funky in this movie? Is it the fat guy next to me?
• I'm not watching another IMAX movie again unless it was made for IMAX.
• Boy, I'm glad Michael Bay isn't doing a 3rd one.
• I don't remember a Transformer named "Fallen."
  
• Why hasn't Shia and Megan's character died from all the shit flying around?
• Megan Fox has bad complexion.
• I wonder if I'll hit traffic due to the gay pride parade going on outside?

Paul Blart: Mall Cop

Point I Fell Asleep: 1:15 out of 1:31 (82%)
Location: Home
Time I Started Movie: Primetime
IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1114740/

One of the STUPIDEST movies of all time. It almost ranks up there with "Snakes on a Plane." I don't even know what else to say. I wish I had fallen asleep earlier in the movie.

He's Just Not That Into You

Point I Fell Asleep: 0:35 out of 2:09 (27%)
Location: Home
Time I Started Movie: Primetime
IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1001508/

I just wasn't into this movie. Sorry. It had one of the best all-star casts since "Love Actually," but it just didn't connect with me. I think maybe even the all-star cast distracted me from the plot of the movie. I think the movie made some great points about guys and dating, but I don't know... I just didn't like it as much as "Love Actually." I do know however that if my wife was Jennifer Connely and Scarlett Johannson was hitting on me, I'd have a brain aneurysm because I wouldn't know what to do. That's like asking me if I'd like to give up both of my legs for the ability to fly. The answer - I'd like both please!

Bride Wars

Point I Fell Asleep: 1:00 out of 1:29 (66%)
Location: Airplane
Time I Started Movie: Primetime
IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0901476/

I was watching this on the plane on my way to Europe since nothing else was on and the other movies like Valkrye, I wanted to save until I got home to watch on the big TV with surround sound. Anyway, I had to restart this movie like 3 times since the US Airways plane kept having problems with the TV system. I think that was a sign for me to stop watching because this movie was TERRIBLE! I love chick flicks as much as the next chick, but this movie just wasn't funny. It didn't make me cry. It didn't make me chuckle. I just wanted for it to end as soon as possible. Stay away from this movie!

Up

Point I Fell Asleep: 0:45 out of 1:36 (47%)
Location: Theater
Time I Started Movie: Primetime
IMDB: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1049413/

Time to blast away at this stupid movie! First off, I have loved every Pixar movie to date. I can't remember one that I did not enjoy. Well, this would be the first. My problem with this movie is that the main character is a grumpy old man. Now why would I want to watch my grumpy old grandpa in a movie? To answer that question, I DON'T! I have a feeling this was because Pixar was sold to Disney about 2 years ago, and since it takes 2 years to do a movie, I can only imagine that goat Michael Eisner green lighting this project.

The 2nd problem I had with this movie was this - okay, I will buy the fact that this old man used balloons to float his ass to South America. Chances of that happening in real life? NONE! But I'll believe it for this movie. However, what I won't believe is the fact that when the grumpy old man was a kid, he watched this Howard Hughes-like character in a movie. Next thing you know, the kid grows up to be a grumpy old man and the Howard Hughes character IS STILL ALIVE!?!? That puts HH at around 150 years old! I'll even give you the dodo bird like character, but HH being alive...sorry, that ruined the movie for it. That and the fact that the movie was neither funny or enjoyable.

The best part of the movie wasn't even in the movie. The best part was the short animation about the clouds at the very beginning. I should have just walked out of the theater at that point.

And oh yeah, the 3D was utterly pointless. The movie would have been fine in 2D.